Never Have I Ever, or In Vino Veritas
by Tenebrae Aeternae
Summary: Albus finds a certain muggle drinking game and makes the characters you know and love...or don't love, but there are people out there with fetishes for everything...participate. Yes, you've seen it before... but can you really help yourself? Slash themes.
1. Invitations

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Nor am I J.K. Rowling. It would be very unfortunate for all the innocent little children out there if I was. Just think of the mental scars…

A/N Okay, so I know this is unrealistic, and the Christmas thing is overused. But come on, this is fanfiction. Harry has already defeated Voldemort, by the way.

Chapter One:

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with a spark that some would call malicious. He had just finished reading about a very interesting muggle custom called "I Never…", and he was hurrying off to coerce, ahem, _invite _the other current residents of Hogwarts, who were staying for the Christmas break. He ran down a mental list in his mind, and hurried off to assemble them.

Severus slammed his door. "I'll expect you there," said Albus, a bright smile on his face as he headed toward the rooms of the Head of Gryffindor.

Minerva hid something suspiciously like catnip behind her back quickly before pasting a smile on her face, and saying, "I wouldn't miss it for the world, Albus!"

Filius squeaked in excitement and fell off his pile of books. "I haven't been invited to a party in ages!"

Mad-Eye Moody pressed a wand to Albus' throat. "Identify yourself!" When Albus had done so, Moody shouted, "Constant Vigilance! Albus, I'm disappointed in you. I'll come anyhow, though."

Next, Albus hurried to the Gryffindor Common Roon, and accidentally barged in on a rather intense game of Spin-the-Bottle. Once the participants, including Draco Malfoy and Cho Chang, for some reason, had recovered from their shock, and in some cases, embarrassment, they all accepted. Spin-the-Bottle was getting a little old.

A furiously screaming pink-haired Remus Lupin turned a corner and tripped over a suit of armor. "Tonks," said Dumbledore, "Would you tell Sirius and Remus that I want all of you to attend-"

"I _am_ Remus!" exclaimed what Dumbledore thought was a Remus look-alike.

"My apologies, Remus. You had a remarkable resemblance to Tonks there," said Albus, cleaning off his half-moon glasses, "so, anyhow, about this get-together I'm having tonight…"

"Alright, Albus. I'll tell Sirius and Tonks after I go to Madame Pomphrey. I think I twisted my ankle falling over that old suit of armor. Would you like me to invite Poppy when I get there?"

"Thank you, Remus, that would be wonderful," Albus beamed.

In the Entrance Hall, Dumbledore intercepted Hagrid, who was on his way down to his hut. "A party, professor? Sure!"

"Would you mind inviting Pomona and Rolanda for me, Rubeus?" asked Dumbledore, his twinkle brighter than ever.

"O' course I will, Professor!" said Hagrid, pleased to be able to help his hero.

His mission completed, Dumbledore proceeded to the Room of Requirement to prepare for his scheme…

* * *

At 8:00 that evening everyone was assembled in the Room of Requirement, milling about and making small talk. They were all curious as to the purpose of the large circular table in the middle of the room and why there didn't seem to be any form of entertainment. At 8:02 precisely, Albus walked in and clapped his hands twice. "I have an announcement to make. No doubt you are all wondering what the purpose of this little get-together is. Well, I have just recently discovered an ancient and revered muggle tradition. It is called "Never Have I Ever"!"

Dismayed stares from the muggleborns and confused looks from the purebloods greeted him.


	2. In Vino Veritas: The Beginning

"Professor Dumbledore!" gasped Hermione, scandalized, "That is not an appropriate game to play!" She stood up and attempted to walk out the door, only to be repelled by an invisible barrier. She turned back to him, "This is not funny."

"Since you seem to know the rules already, would you mind helping me explain?" asked Professor Dumbledore, an innocent bewildered old-man smile on his face. Hermione sighed in resignation and sat down at the table. Albus motioned for the others to join her, and they did so, most with trepidation on their faces.

"So… what exactly is this?" asked Ron.

"Well, Mr. Weasley, the game ahem _the ancient ritual_ is performed as Miss Granger will now explain," said Albus.

"Everyone sits around a table, and they each have a glass of an alcoholic beverage, in this case, brandy. The first person begins and says "I never" and then gives an example of something that he or she has never done. All those who have performed said act drink," Hermione explained petulantly.

Albus then added another point, "The room has been spelled to insure the honesty of the participants. Meaning you cannot drink if you have not performed the deed, and you cannot refrain from drinking if you have." At this, the Slytherins, and a couple others, looked disappointed. "Let the games ahem the ritual begin!"

Hagrid looked at Dumbledore concernedly, "'Ave you been 'avin troubles with your 'ealth lately, Professor? You've been coughing an awful lot!"

Dumbledore smiled at Hagrid benignly, "Thank you for your concern, Hagrid, I'm feeling… perfectly splendid!" he finished with a mischievous look on his face. "Hermione, would you care to begin?"

Hermione gazed into her glass, and swirled the brandy around absently. "I've never gone to Australia." Dumbledore, Flitwick, McGonagall and a few others drank. "Your turn, Cho."

"I've never cheated on a homework assignment," she said, as if it was the worst thing anyone could ever do. Everyone but Hermione drank. Cho looked disillusioned with the world, and Hermione stared at the teachers with the expression of a kicked puppy on her face.

"How could you?" she asked, nearly in tears.

"Aw, come on! This is boring!" Charlie smirked at Bill. "I've never had sex with a goblin." Bill drank. So did Harry.

"Harry?!" exclaimed Bill.

"What? I owed Griphook a favor. What's your excuse?"

"Well, you know. When you work for them…"

Fred laughed. "My turn! Hmm… continuing with the theme of magical creatures… I've never done it with a house-elf." Hermione turned bright red, and her hand began to tremble. To everyone's horror, she drank.

"Who, Hermione?" Ginny asked in disbelief. Hermione covered her face with her hands.

"Dobby," she murmured. Suddenly a large crack resounded through the room.

"Mistress Hermione calls?" asked Dobby excitedly.

George guffawed, "Have a seat, Dobby."


	3. I Spy with My Inner Eye

Tonks grinned sheepishly, "Sorry to move away from the ah, _interesting_, topic, but I really don't want to know. Unfortunately, I've never snuck out to Hogsmeade."

"Aw, Tonks! You're lame!" Fred gave her a disappointed look, as more than two thirds of the table drank.

"Despite what Hermione thinks," said George, "I've never intentionally given first-years untested Weasley Wizarding Wheezes."

"George!" exclaimed Fred as he drank, "That was just cruel. After all, you took the second-years!"

McGonagall gave Fred and George a frosty glare, "We will be having words about this later. As it is my turn now… " she trailed off, a smile on her face that could only be described as vicious, and waited for Albus to get very very worried. "I've never impersonated a Hufflepuff priest with multiple personality disorder at a session of the Wizengamot."

Albus' eyes twinkled even brighter, "Ah, Minerva, you've got me there. You'd be surprised at how many people weren't very amused. That was one of my finest moments..." He gazed fondly into space, as if remembering a joyous occasion, oblivious to the laughs all around the table.

Then Hagrid drank. All laughter stopped, and all eyes turned to him in shock.

"Hagrid? You have also experienced the wonderful sensation of being stared at by the wizarding community's most influential citizens as you argue with yourself and prance around the room in the clothing of the Pope?" asked Dumbledore delightedly, the only one not speechless. Hagrid blushed,

"Well, you told me how much you enjoyed it when you did it, so I figured I'd give it a shot, and it was mighty fun…"

Neville was the first to recover from his shock. "Moving on," he said, "I've never failed Charms, Transfiguration and Defense Against the Dark Arts all in one year." Snape gave him a look that could kill, and Neville wished he hadn't spoken. But the spell had already taken control, and Snape's hand unwillingly moved his glass closer to his mouth.

"Hah!" shouted Sirius, "I knew it!" Snape glared at Sirius darkly.

The door to the Room of Requirement opened. "My Inner Eye told me that a party was going on, and someone obviously misplaced my invitation," a misty voice broke in. Trelawney came in and sat down in a seat that appeared next to Dumbledore.

"Well at least I've never failed Potions," Snape shot back at Sirius weakly, his snarkiness obviously impaired by his alcohol intake.

"Me neither," said Sirius triumphantly.

"You're out of turn!" said Hermione.

"Ah, you got me!" said Trelawney, "and on my first round too!" She took a small sip first, and then a large swallow, "Oh, this brandy is good!"

Ginny looked put out. "It's my turn now." She thought for a while, ignoring the conversation that Bill and Harry were having about the pros and cons of goblin sex. "I've got it! I've never done it with a tree!"

Remus raised his glass "Cheers, Willow!"

Sprout looked at him askance. "Willow cheated on me?"

"What?" asked everyone else in the room.

"The Whomping Willow," explained Remus, "Don't worry, Pomona, it was a long time ago. I'm sure she's faithful to you now."


	4. Betrayal of the Worst Kind

Lupin smirked at Sirius, "I've never walked around looking like a girl, wearing a sparkly purple mini-skirt with my hair done up in bright pink pigtails for an entire week."

"Dammit!" exclaimed Sirius, "I knew I forgot someone when I was Obliviating!"

A couple people shook their heads as if to clear their minds. "Now that you mention it, I remember that too!" said McGonagall.

"Don't forget the fake breasts and low-cut shirt," added Snape maliciously. "That was hot," he added under his breath. Harry, who was sitting next to Snape, pretended not to hear. Sirius looked very very mad. Especially when Lupin added,

"I still have pictures."

"You traitor!" exclaimed Sirius.

Pomphrey cleared her throat. "I've never been mistaken for someone's pet cat."

"Poppy! I trusted you with that!" screeched McGonagall.

"Now, now, settle down," said Dumbledore.

"Listen to Dumbledore," sneered Draco Malfoy, "We wouldn't want you to start a catfight." His only response was a cold look. "I've never done it with a Weasley," he said superiorly.

Harry drank. Five times. "Harry?" asked Remus.

"What? One drink for each Weasley!"

Ginny sobbed, "I was saving myself for you, and you've gone and had sex with all of my brothers?!"

"Not all," responded Harry, "I haven't had sex with Percy."

"Did I mean so little to you then, that you would deny that we made love?" Neville asked Ginny broken-heartedly.

"Was I that bad?" asked Remus.

"What about me?" Hermione interjected indignantly, "You told me I was your one and only!"

"You said you loved my Devil's Snare!" said Sprout.

"If you didn't actually have sex with me," said Snape silkily, "Can I have my money back?"

The Weasley boys all looked ready to kill Snape at that comment. Fred and George began whispering furiously, Charlie hit his fist against his palm, Bill started twirling his wand with a homicidal grin on his face, and Ron began kicking Snape under the table. Very very hard.

"Calm down, boys. It's only a game ahem _an ancient Muggle custom_," said Dumbledore, "I do believe it's your turn, Pomona."

Sprout turned to McGonagall with a smile on her face. "There's something I've always wanted to know..." she said, "I've never had sex with Dumbledore." McGonagall drank. So did Harry. And Trelawney. All eyes turned to Harry first.

"Harry? You've had sex with Albus?" asked Sirius, voicing the thought that was in everyone's head.

"Not Albus Dumbledore, _Aberforth_ Dumbledore," responded Harry, "He's actually quite good. And he doesn't look nearly as old as Professor Dumbledore here."

Everyone heaved a sigh of relief. Then all eyes turned to Trelawney. "Aberforth Dumbledore?" Sprout asked.

"No, Albus Dumbledore!" hiccupped Trelawney. McGonagall stood up and pushed back her chair. She marched over to where Dumbledore was sitting, and slapped him soundly. Then she turned to the unfortunate Trelawney.

"You have crossed me for the last time!" she said coldly, brandishing her wand.

"No, don't hurt me!" shouted Trelawney, "I See with my Inner Eye that you will not hurt me!"

"Oh, really?" snarled McGonagall, "_See_ this!" She sent a bright blue jet of flame at Trelawney. Trelawney slumped to the floor, unconscious, just as the flames were about to hit her. "Remove her!" Minerva commanded the room at large. Trelawney vanished.

"I See with my Inner Eye that Trelawney will not be coming back down from her tower for a long time," snickered Harry.

"Professor Trelawney, Harry," reproved Dumbledore.

"I've had sex with her, I can call her whatever I damn well please," Harry snapped.


	5. It's Sad, But True

Dumbledore smiled, even though he was still rubbing his sore cheek. "At last it is my turn." He looked up at the ceiling and began to whistle. After three minutes, when he still didn't show signs of stopping, Mad-Eye Moody broke in.

"Albus? We're all waiting," he said.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled furiously as he said, "I was just waiting for the subject of my addition to this lovely Muggle custom to choose himself or herself. You have just elected to be that subject, Alastor!"

Moody looked very put out, but then pasted a resigned expression on his face. "Well, get on with it!"

"I've never…" Albus paused suspensefully, and took the time to look at each person at the table and blink three times, "locked Auror trainees," here he paused for another suspenseful moment, "in a broom cupboard on the second floor of the Ministry wearing nothing but long underwear because they had forgotten…" this time the pause was longest of all, "**CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" **As he shouted the final two words, Albus leapt out of his seat with a sprightliness that he didn't look able to possess, and stomped on the table. Albus danced around for a few moments then stopped at the edge of the table. "It's a long way down," he said mournfully.

"Don' worry, P'fessor," said Hagrid, who by this time had about 20 empty glasses in front of him – not because he drank to many "I nevers" but because he drank _a lot _when he did drink -, "I'll lift you down." Hagrid proceeded to lift Albus up, and place him gently down on his seat, after which he promptly fell over.

"I suppose the turn passes to you, then, Filius," said Albus. Flitwick, who was looking a little unsteady on his feet by now (he was standing on his chair to be seen above the rim of the table) smiled.

"I've never done it," he said. Everyone waited for him to finish.

"Never done it with what, or who?" McGonagall prompted.

"I've never done it," he repeated.

"Yes, you said that already," said Pomphrey, "but what haven't you done it with?"

"I've never done it _at all_," he clarified.

"Oh." Everyone drank.

"You mean, I'm the only one?" Flitwick asked.

"I'm afraid so, my dear fellow, unless Hagrid is one too," said Albus.

"He isn't," Ron blurted.

"How do you know?" asked Harry, "Did you do it with him?" Ron's ears turned the tell-tale scarlet as he weakly protested that he hadn't. "Even I never had sex with Hagrid!" exclaimed Harry, half in horror, and half in admiration.

Moody broke into the conversation before it went any farther. "I've never fucked a Death Eater, or a former Death Eater," he stated sharply. Ginny drank. Her brothers looked at her in disbelief.

"What?" she snapped, "We already established that Snape and I had sex!" Snape drank.

"You really think I could have gotten through all those Death Eater meetings without doing at least one of the other Death Eaters?" he sneered.

"Same reason for me!" Draco drank. "It's not easy being a spy!"

Remus drank. "I didn't know Pettigrew was a traitor…"

Tonks drank. "You, Tonks?" asked Moody disappointedly, "I thought better of you!"

"Draco wasn't _really_ a Death Eater," she replied uncomfortably, "just technically a Death Eater."

Hooch drank. "Draco wasn't a bad lay." She batted her eyes at him flirtatiously. "Harry was better though. So was Sirius."

Harry drank. "Draco was fine," he responded to Hooch, "but some of the other DE's were better."

"You mean me, don't you, Potter?" Snape phrased it as a question, but left no doubt that he thought he was good in bed.

"You slimy bastard, you fucked my godson?!" exclaimed Sirius after he drank.

"No, actually, Sirius," Harry interjected with a smirk on his face that looked disturbingly Slytherin, "We made _passionate_ and _violent_ love to one another." Sirius looked betrayed. "I'm just kidding, Sirius," he laughed. He turned to Snape, "You were good, but not that good."

"But Harry," whispered Hermione, "When?"

"You didn't really think that I'd be as bad as I was at Occlumency if he had actually taught me, do you? I mean, come on, "Remedial Potions"? Can you get more obvious?"

Snape glared at Harry. "You swore you wouldn't tell!" He turned viciously on Sirius, "And you! You're just jealous that I had your godson but haven't had sex with you since we were in school!"

Now it was Sirius' turn to smirk. "Hardly. I didn't meet you again because you were _bad._"


	6. Friends Leaving?

Stifled giggling from the corner of the room drew the attention of the seated wizards and witches. Madam Hooch and Madam Pomphrey were sitting in a corner, virtually on each others laps. "Let's go flying!" said Hooch, "Then we can go skinny-dipping in the Lake!"

"Yes, let's!" agreed Poppy, kissing Hooch on the cheek. They stood up, and threw their arms around each other's shoulders as they staggered out the door, singing the lyrics of "The Weird Sisters" songs as they went.

Sirius stretched. "I'll deal with you later, Snape… It's my turn. I've never tried to do it with a book," he said.

Hermione tried to sink down inconspicuously in her chair, but her glass rose in front of her face and started spinning. "Fine," she sighed, as she grasped it, and then took a small sip.

"What book?" asked Sirius, holding in laughter.

"Hogwarts: A History, if you must know," she replied icily.

"Figures," Ron whispered to Harry, "I always knew she was in love with that book."

Bill grinned ferociously at Charlie, "It's my turn, which means revenge at last!" he exclaimed. "I've never done a strip tease in front of all my co-workers, and the Ministry inspectors who were there!"

"I should never have told you that," said Charlie.

"Don't worry," said Bill, "Even if you hadn't, all your co-workers also told me."

Charlie's reply was interrupted because at that point it was noticed that Professor Dumbledore was drinking. Everyone turned green with disgust.

Albus chuckled, "I was young once, too."

Harry, the first to recover from this most horrifying image, perhaps because he had had sex with far more horrifying things, announced, quite soberly, "My turn. Hmm… I haven't had sex with…" he paused. "Hmm… what haven't I had sex with?" he asked himself, and the room at large. "Ah! I've never done it in my animagus form!" he exclaimed triumphantly after some time.

McGonagall lifted her glass, and took a large swallow. "Minerva! Are you telling us that those rumors about you and Mrs. Norris were true?" asked Sprout, appalled. Minerva grinned unrepentantly.

"What can I say? Kitties like to play!" she giggled, "That rhymes!"

"I've never stolen anything from my potions cabinet," Snape glared at Harry.

"Now that just defeats the purpose of the game ahem _ancient custom_!" complained Dumbledore, duly drinking from his glass.

"Albus!" he squawked dangerously.

Fred and George tapped their glasses together, said "Cheers!" and then drank. Dobby drank. Snape grew more and more incensed as Harry continued not to drink. Hermione drank surreptitiously, hoping that in his rage, Snape wouldn't notice. Finally, resigned to the fact that Harry had not actually ever stolen any ingredients, he turned to sneer at Hermione.

"Don't think I didn't see you, Miss Granger," he snarled in a deep voice. She blushed, embarrassed and angry.

Dumbledore headed off the coming confrontation, "Now, Severus, that really didn't count. That entirely defeated the purpose. Go again."

"Fine," he grumbled. "To dispel the rumors about it, I've never fucked or been fucked by Voldemort."

"Who would?" asked Ron.

McGonagall and Harry drank at the same time. Everyone looked at _McGonagall_ in shock. "He was Head Boy when I was Head Girl. He was charming, charismatic, attractive…" she trailed off dreamily.

"Harry?" Ron asked tentatively. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"It was his idea!" explained Harry, "One minute we were fighting, and the next he was snogging me! And I figured, 'Hey, what the hell?' so we did it. It wasn't the best of places. There was a tree root digging into my back the entire time… But he wasn't bad. He wasn't bad at all. You missed out, Snape. I mean, he did all the other Death Eaters. Sent me memories through the scar link. I'm sort of sad he's gone… the man was a sex god!"

There was shocked silence.

Then there was more shocked silence.

Finally, the silence was broken by Hagrid, who was moaning in his sleep. "Yes, Fluffy… mm… Oh, Aragog… yes…. So good… Right there, Sandy!"

"Who was Sandy?" asked Ron, turning quite green, "I know what the other two were."

"Oh, he was one of the Blast-ended Skrewts," replied Harry cheerfully, "Hagrid adored him, and vice-versa."

"I'll take Hagrid back to his hut," volunteered Hermione eagerly.

"Very well," said Dumbledore, "You may go."

"Dobby will be happy to be helping Mistress Hermione!" Dobby squeaked. Hermione quickly levitated Hagrid, and exited the room, staggering slightly, and leaning on Dobby's shoulder.

"What do you want to bet that they're not just going to take Hagrid back to his hut?" Fred wiggled his eyebrows.

* * *

Firenze stood by the edge of the forest, next to a dark, shadowy figure, watching Hermione and Dobby stumble down to Hagrid's hut, laughing and joking as they went.

"Mars bright!" said the figure next to him.

"Yes, Grawp, it is indeed. As is Saturn," he said pensively, "That means that I should go join the drunken revel currently going on in the Room of Requirement."

"Frenz leavin'?" Grawp asked sadly. "Why?"

"Mars is bright tonight," replied Firenze, trotting away.

Grawp tore up a tree in anger, then had a bright idea, "Grawp go visit Hermy!"


	7. My Beautiful Courtesan

Sirius looked around the room. By this point, a great many people were very drunk. Cho Chang, Neville, Ron, Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick were all well on their way to oblivion, though as Flitwick was much smaller than everyone else, it wasn't really fair to compare him to the rest of those who couldn't hold their liquor. He was quite disappointed that Tonks also seemed to be part of this group – he had expected better of his cousin.

The rest of the Weasleys, while slightly tipsy, were holding their own remarkably well, especially Charlie, though Sirius supposed that when you work with dragons, you definitely need a good stiff drink more than once in a while. In fact, the majority of the people sitting at the table were only slightly (well, perhaps a little more than slightly) tipsy. He was particularly impressed with McGonagall, and grudgingly admitted that Snape, while not sober, wasn't more than slightly effected.

Miraculously, Harry still seemed sober, despite the enormous quantities of alcohol that he had imbibed. "It must be an Evans trait," muttered Sirius, "She never got drunk either."

Ron lifted his head from the table and slurred, "My turn then? I never had sex with Cedric Diggory… Wanted to, though… thought he was _fine_."

"He told me to take a bath," Harry shrugged as he drank, "I liked the prefect bathroom so much that I had a follow-up bath, too. The only turn-off was Moaning Myrtle." Myrtle, who just so happened to be passing through at the wrong moment began to wail,

"I was just coming to see if you wanted to share my toilet with me," she cried, "But I'll never share my toilet with you now!" she screeched vindictively.

"Myrtle, darling," Harry protested charmingly, "You know that I love spending time with you. It was one of the greatest honors of my life to be invited to share your toilet!" he lied bald-facedly.

Myrtle smiled coquettishly, which was actually quite frightening. "Really?" she sighed happily. She floated away humming love songs. "I'll be waiting for you, honey!"

Harry shuddered in relief as soon as she left, only to be bombarded by a venomously hissing Cho. "My boyfriend, my one true love – " she broke off sobbing, "slept with _you_?! He _cheated _on me?! He… I loved him with my entire heart, body and soul!" She wept tears of angered despair, and Neville valiantly jumped up to comfort her.

"That's how I love you, Cho!" Neville exclaimed.

"That's why you sought me out for comfort just two weeks after he died?" asked Harry cynically.

Cho shot Harry a vengeful look, then smiled at Neville through her tears. "Really?" Neville picked her up and twirled her around. She giggled. "Let's go somewhere else, Neville. Somewhere private…" she trailed off, giggling as Neville carried her bridal-style out of the room. Sprout followed them out, calling after Neville distraughtly.

"Just 'cause you're the boy-who-lived, you get to do everyone…" Ron's words were even more indistinct than before, "I wish Cedric had been interested in me… or Oliver Wood… but you did him too, didn't you?" He asked half-asleep.

"Yes," replied Harry unconcernedly. The only word distinguishable in Ron's response was "slut".

"At least I've never had to pay anyone for sex," Harry replied, slightly affronted. Ron missed his mouth with his glass.

"Fuck you, Harry," he muttered.

"Sorry, Ronnikins, I'm booked," Harry said sweetly.

The effort of trying to come up with a witty retort was too much for Ron, and he passed out. House-elves quickly popped in to grab him, and take him away.

Flitwick, who had been wavering unsteadily for quite a while now, fell off his chair and landed on his head with a thump. He righted himself shakily, then stumbled to lean on the door, which opened, just as he had rested his weight on it, to reveal Firenze. "Mars is bright tonight," observed Firenze.

"Firenze!" exclaimed Harry excitedly, "It's so wonderful to see you again. Especially on a night when Saturn is also so luminous!"

"Indeed," agreed Firenze, "And thy lovely visage is also so luminous in the rays of the ephemeral moonlight that I am made breathless by thine exquisite and angelic appearance." He embraced Harry in greeting, then began gesturing melodramatically. "Verily, thou art as the sky on a clear night, with stars of love as thine eyes, and thy raven black hair as the spaces between the stars. Thy complexion is as the Milky Way, thy attraction greater than that of a black hole. Thou shineth brighter than a supernova, and thy beauty will last forever in the memories of all. Thy light, dancing steps across the grass trouble it no more than a passing breeze, and thine – "

Snape broke in with a guffaw. "Your _angel_, as it were, is hardly that!"

Firenze turned to Snape angrily, "Sir, though I hesitate to call thou by that name, thou art the scurviest, slimiest, and ugliest rascal that I have ever seen in my years under the stars. Thou art uncouth and crass, and thine petty insults art unbecoming of any creature. Thou insultest the most breathtaking courtesan I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Harry is the most wonderful being to ever grace this world with his presence, and I am deeply honored to be able to defend him from wretched pieces of scum like thou."

Albus laughed, "Oh, Severus, you got _owned._ Like, _seriously _owned, man!"

Everyone switched from staring at Firenze in bemused incomprehension to staring at Professor Dumbledore in utter incomprehension. "What?"

Dumbledore chuckled, "Never mind… muggle phrase… to go along with this most wonderful muggle custom!"

Firenze, irritated by this further interruption, said, "I have never seen such a sorry lot of drunken wizards as you in my entire life."

Everyone was surprised to have to drink to that. "We are," said George, "not a," said Fred, "sorry lot!" they finished together.

"Besides, the third year faculty party was much worse, at least in my opinion," said Lupin, "I learned quite a few things about my colleagues that I really never wanted to know." McGonagall blushed at this comment. "I suppose some of the revelations tonight trump that though," he finished.

Exasperated with the pointless interjections, Firenze gave Harry a passionate kiss, and said, "Goodbye, dear Harry, I shall be thinking of you always. I hope to see you again soon." He dropped a final kiss on Harry's hand, and trotted away.

Harry sat back down contentedly. "Now _that_ is a loyal customer."

* * *

A/N: I know there's only one "I never" but I just had to have Firenze come in. And also, I know his speech is absolutely awful. It's supposed to be. I'm not _quite_ that bad at Shakespeare impersonations… 


	8. Where The Wild Things Are

Charlie looked around. "Back to me? Why don't I try something safe… I've never slept with a brother."

Fred and George looked embarrassed, but not terribly embarrassed, and said in explanation, "We're twins who do everything together…"

McGonagall drank, "He was only my step-brother… and our parents introduced us the next morning. We didn't talk to each other for months after that."

Ginny drank. All the Weasley boys looked at each other in suspicion. Finally, Bill said, "I didn't do it."

Charlie looked relieved. "Me neither."

"Not us!" chimed in Fred and George.

They turned to look at Ginny in dread. "Not… ickle Ronnikins?" asked Fred with trepidation.

"No, Percy," she stated.

"Incest seems to be a Weasley trait," snipped Snape.

Mad-Eye Moody choked, which made everyone realize that he too was drinking.

"I retract my prior statement," Snape said dryly.

Fred said viciously, still angry at Snape, "I've never gotten off with a potions ingredient during class."

McGonagall gasped, "How unprofessional of you Severus!"

He sneered at her, "Don't tell me you've never been tempted."

Tonks, who by this time was rapidly approaching oblivion, slurred out "I've never propositioned… no… that's not right… prop… proposit… proposed! That's it! I've never proposed to anyone!"

Draco drank. "Oh, who?" asked Ginny. Draco didn't respond.

Dumbledore drank. "I loved Sybil very dearly once."

McGonagall looked very upset. "You proposed to her and not to me? Albus, how could you?"

"I'll make it up to you, Minnie," Albus said, conjuring up a bouquet of flowers. McGonagall accepted them, and stood up. She swayed, and nearly fell over, but Albus caught her. The collision, however, caused fur-lined handcuffs to fall out of McGonagall's robes.

Someone wolf-whistled.

"Wild thing!" said Harry, to their exiting backs. McGonagall looked back at him and winked.

"Something tells me that _that_ relationship is going to be a little rocky," said Sirius after they had departed.

"Fleur and I, at least, are very happily married," said Bill as he drank.

"I thought _she_ proposed," interjected Harry.

"What about your lovers on the side?" asked Charlie.

"Fleur and I both know that a little bit of dabbling is healthy for a relationship. I don't begrudge it when she has a little fun, and she doesn't begrudge me."

Moody drank, and began to cry silently. "Molly… why did you say no? Why did you choose Arthur over me?"

The Weasley boys looked horrified. "You… and Mum!?"

Ginny said, "Don't I look like my mother?"

"Yes…" answered Mad-Eye tentatively.

"Then what are you waiting for?" asked Ginny, "Let's go!"

Tonks, finally overcome by the alcohol, turned bright purple with neon green and orange striped hair, a falcon's beak, and bright yellow eyes, and passed out. Harry levitated her out of the room, because she was just a little scary to look at.

George, horrified by the events that had just occurred, moved his mouth soundlessly, and gasped like a fish out of water. "I'm just too scarred by that image to come up with anything."

"But it's your turn!" whined Harry, who was miraculously still almost completely sober.

"I've never… er… done it with myself," said George.

Draco drank. "My mother wanted to name me Narcissus, you know."

Harry laughed. "I stole Hermione's Time Turner to see what it would be like…

"My turn," said Remus, crawling out from under the table.

"Why were you under there?" asked Bill.

"No reason…" answered Lupin evasively. Sirius looked at Remus askance.

"You were always weird about tables, Moony."

"Well, at least I've never been proposed to by Lucius Malfoy!" Lupin responded.

Sirius drank. Harry did too. "He likes me almost as much as Firenze does. That's why I said no when you proposed, Draco. It would just be awkward. And besides, you were good, but your father is better."

"Is he really better than me?" asked Draco, crestfallen.

"Honestly, Draco, yes."

"I'm sorry, Draco," said Snape, "But I have to agree with Potter on this one."

"At least no one has ever cried after sex with me because I was bad," he snapped at Snape.

"You swore that everything I told you during sex would be confidential!" said Snape. "Besides, it was Potter, and what does it matter if _Potter_ cried?"

"_HARRY?_" asked Remus.

"Not me," said Harry, "He wasn't great, but he wasn't _that_ bad. He probably improved with time."

"You mean… James?!" asked Sirius, looking as if someone had kicked his favorite puppy, "What blackmail did you have over him?"

"If I tell you, he'll come back from the grave and haunt me," said Snape.

"I can't believe... Jamie… you… It just isn't … It doesn't make sense!" spluttered Sirius, "I've never heard anything so horrifying in my entire life!"

Harry drank to that.

"What did you hear?" everyone asked.

"Believe me," said Harry, "you _don't_ want to know."


	9. In Order: Me, Voldemort, Lucius

Bill looked around the room. "Just out of curiosity," he began, "I've never been in a threesome."

Fred and George drank. "We already established that we do everything together… That includes Harry, Oliver Wood, Katie Bell and Angelina."

Harry drank. "Well, when Gabrielle Delacour came back to England last summer, she and Fleur expressed their heartfelt thanks for my saving Gabrielle during the Triwizard Tournament in a very congenial manner. Actually, now that I'm on the topic of the Triwizard Tournament, I remember that Hermione and Krum and I had a nice little ménage à trois going on. The papers actually weren't far off. They just didn't realize that it was _Ron_ who was the jealous one. He even broke his little Krum figurine when he found out about it!"

"Wait," said Bill, "You slept with my wife?!"

"You just said that you didn't begrudge each other 'a little bit of fun on the side'," replied Harry.

"That's because I didn't think she had any!" responded Bill.

"Did you do _all_ the Triwizard Champions?" asked Draco incredulously.

"Yes," replied Harry unconcernedly.

"Harry," said Draco slowly, "Who _haven't _you done?"

"I never did Flitwick!" he replied indignantly.

"He doesn't count! No one's done Flitwick!" Draco shot back.

"Or Ginny! Or Neville, or Percy, or Molly, or Arthur, or… ummm… McGonagall!" finished Harry triumphantly.

"You know, Potter, it's sad when it's faster to list those you haven't slept with than those you have," interjected Snape.

"There are other people I haven't slept with!" said Harry, "I mean, I'd never sleep with say… Dudley. Or Fudge. That's just gross." He paused. "Oh! And Pettigrew. Not him either."

"If you had to rate the people you've slept with," said Charlie, "who would be in the top three?"

"Hmm…" said Harry, "I'd have to say that my top three, in order, are me, Voldemort, Lucius."

"Where would you rank me?" asked Sirius.

"You were very good, Sirius. I'd put you in my top twenty-five," said Harry.

"You slimy bastard, you fucked _your_ godson!?" exclaimed Snape.

Sirius smirked, "Where would you put Snivellus, here?"

"I have nothing to be ashamed about," sneered Snape.

"I didn't want to reveal this," said Harry to Snape before pausing dramatically, "… but you're not even on the chart," he finished to the rest of the room's delight.

Snape glowered at the room, red-faced. "Well at least I've never been desperate enough to sleep with a _werewolf_," he half snarled, half spat.

"But you were desperate enough to _hire_ someone to sleep with you! If that's not desperate…" laughed Harry after he had taken his drink.

"That's very true," Sirius agreed with Harry after he had drunk, "and besides Snape, sleeping with a werewolf isn't an act of desperation. You just missed out. Again."

Snape, sensing that that night just really wasn't going well for him, decided to cut his losses and refrain from further comment. He began to plot his revenge upon Albus for forcing him to join this stupid Muggle ritual.

"I've never done it in the Hospital Wing," was the next 'I never', spoken by Charlie.

Fred and George drank, and so did Draco. "I'm an exhibitionist," he said in explanation. "We were… there," said the twins.

Unsurprisingly, Harry also drank. "For the amount of time I spent there, it was surprisingly late in happening. But there was a special bed reserved for me, for crying out loud! It even had both of our names on it! How much more blatant can you get?"

(The plaque had read "_Harry Potter's bed, property of the Hogwarts Infirmary, in care of Poppy Pomphrey"_)

"Wait," said Lupin, as if just realizing something. He looked at Sirius accusingly. "You slept with your _godson_?"

"Finally, we agree on something," Snape muttered.

"This is the _second_ time we've agreed on something," Remus replied distractedly, still glaring at Sirius.

"It's not like you haven't slept with him!" exclaimed Sirius. "Right, Harry?" he turned to the grinning Potter for backup.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah."

"But he's not _my _godson! What would James and Lily think!"

Sirius looked as if he had been slapped. Then he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Whatever they'd think about Harry and me, they'd think the same thing about you and Harry! At least, I know James would!" he paused. "I'm not too sure about Lily though. After all I never got her drunk enough to have a real… _discussion_… about it."

Lupin looked triumphant, "Lily didn't _need_ to be drunk to _discuss_ things with me. In fact, she was always quite eager. At one point during our school years, our _discussions_ were very frequent."

Sirius scowled back at Remus petulantly. "Well, you've never done it with Tonks. I have."

"Me too," interjected Bill.

"So have I," said Harry, "but you probably knew that already." He gazed at Remus inquisitively, as if questioning a new concept. "Have you and Tonks really never done it? But you're married!" he paused, confused, "I thought that sex was a prerequisite of marriage?"

Lupin, looking extremely frustrated, snapped, "I'm working on it!" and stormed out of the room.


	10. My Parents What?

Harry blinked as the door slammed behind Lupin. "I was just asking," he commented plaintively.

"He's just a little touchy about it," said Sirius, who was still partially in shock from learning that Lily wasn't solely faithful to James, which was the impression that he had always gotten. Sirius realized that he'd said this allowed as Snape responded,

"Oh, Black, did _you _miss out."

Harry looked at Sirius, then at Snape, then back again. "So, is it just Snape who has done both my parents, or is it Remus too?"

"Umm," Sirius looked embarrassedly back at Harry. "Isn't this an uncomfortable topic for you?" he asked, trying to deflect Harry's prior question.

"No," responded Harry unabashedly.

"Well," temporized Sirius, "I might possibly have hypothetically…" he trailed off.

"Yes?" prompted Harry.

"Walked in on James and Remus and Peter?" Sirius's voice became very very quiet as he rushed through the end of his sentence.

"But he didn't drink to the threesome 'I never'!" exclaimed Fred, scandalized.

"How did he discover a way around the rules when we didn't?" George added on.

Bill frowned, attempting to remember through the alcohol-induced haze. "He did drink!"

"Yes," said Charlie, "You were just too busy making eyes at--"

He was interrupted by Filch and Umbridge stumbling through the door, wildly groping each other.

Everyone looked around in speechless horror, save for Harry. "Hem hem," he said.

Filch and Umbridge sprang apart, both looking like deer caught in headlights. "Mr. Filch was just giving me a tour!" she exclaimed, drawing herself up. "I am here to investigate for the Ministry!"

"Oh," replied Harry blandly. "It's a pity you didn't come just a little earlier. Firenze was here. It seems that there will be quite a few centaurs roaming the grounds this evening. I know how much you _hate_ centaurs. Perhaps another evening would have been better for your," he paused delicately, "tour."

Umbridge gave a little squeak and hurried out of the room, Filch in tow.

"Did you know she gave him whipping privileges?" inquired Harry after Umbridge and Filch left.

"Must you constantly scar us with your comments?" Snape sneered, "Though, I suppose _you_ hardly view them as scarring, considering you've probably done all the parties involved."

"Actually," said Harry, "I'm _almost_ positive that I've never done Filch" (here Sirius took a surreptitious sip, which everyone noticed, but no one could bring themselves to comment upon) "and I'm definitely sure that I've never had sex with Umbridge." Here Draco attempted to slip his gulp under the radar, but the temptation for the others proved too great.

"But," said George.

"_**Why?**_" finished Fred.

"How did you think I got to be on the Inquisitorial Squad? Not to mention, the head of it!" This statement made everyone, Harry included, shudder.

Charlie visibly gathered himself. "Moving on…" He was again interrupted by the opening of the door. All eyes turned towards it, hoping that this interruption would be less terrifying than the previous one. Everyone was shocked to see Lucius Malfoy enter the room.

"Lucius!" exclaimed Harry with a large smile on his face, "You told me you weren't going to be able to get here until tomorrow!"

Lucius embraced Harry fondly. "Narcissa was surprisingly eager to sign the divorce papers. I had not been previously aware of her ongoing affections for one Sandy, who is, I believe, a Blast-Ended Skrewt."

"Oh, that's where Sandy went off to? Hagrid was so upset when he just disappeared one day!"

Lucius chuckled, "Trust you to know what was going on. But now that the papers are signed, I can officially give you this." Lucius opened up a small grass-green velvet box, which contained a rather altogether too large and gaudy diamond and emerald and ruby and sapphire and amethyst ring. "My apologies about the ring," he said, "but it's been in the family for generations."

Harry pasted a smile on his face, "It's… lovely…" he said, glad that the dozen _unofficial_ rings that Lucius had given him were in much better taste.

"Wait," said Draco, voicing the thought that was on everyone's mind. "What?"

"Didn't you know?" asked Harry.

"Harry and I have been engaged for nearly three months," Lucius told the astounded audience.

"But," stuttered Draco, "that's about when _I_ proposed to Harry."

"Yes," replied Harry sadly, "I told you it was rather awkward. After all, I'd just accepted your father's proposal, and then you came up to tell me that you still harbored a crush on me from sixth year! A rather unfortunate business, but, after all, Lucius is much better than you."

Draco began to hyperventilate. "My father-" (he gasped) "is marrying-" (he gasped again) "the man _I_ proposed to-" (he had a coughing fit) "while my mother-" (he gave a loud sob) "has run off with-" (he gave one final wracking moan) "a blast-ended skrewt named _SANDY!_" Fred and George rushed to either side of him, and patted him gently on the back,

"It'll be okay," they said in unison, "just come with us, and we'll make everything all right." They led him out of the Room of Requirements, and vanished down the seventh floor corridor.

Sirius tilted his head, and then shouted with rage, "You SLIMY BASTARD! You fucked _MY _GODSON!" Lucius looked at him calmly.

"So did you," was his only reply.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW THAT?" Sirius yelled back at him.

"Well," said Lucius, "I think you're thirteenth?"

Sirius looked incensed. Then he looked at Harry. 'Thirteenth,' he thought to himself, 'thirteenth of… how many?' He decided that thirteenth was probably a compliment.

Charlie seemed to have reached the same conclusion. "Sirius…" he trailed off, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder, "What say you to you and me going to rent a room at the Hogshead?"

"Why not?" responded Sirius, assuming that correctly that Charlie wasn't much lower on Harry's list than he was. Behind them, a passageway to the Hogshead opened suddenly, and they beat a hasty retreat.

Bill looked infinitely amused.

Lucius and Harry swept out of the room, Harry no more drunk than when he had entered it. "I declare," Harry's voice echoed behind him, "I've never learned such _interesting_ information about my friends in one night."

Bill laughed to himself, "I certainly don't have to drink to that." He sighed, and glanced around to see who remained. To his dismay, he found that the only person remaining was Severus Snape.

"Well," he said, glancing over Snape appraisingly, "you can't be worse than a goblin."


End file.
